Tuesday, June 20, 2006

More Thinking

I was reading the Village Knittiot at work yesterday, and just about fell off my chair. And then had to shut down and leave it to read at home, because profound personal epiphanies are inconvenient things to have in the middle of a busy work day. I've been circling the same conclusion myself, just not quite ready to look it square in the eye in such a clearly articulated fashion.

This phrase: "sometimes when your path is so clear you don’t necessarily have to know your own self because you know your path" is absolutely, painfully true. In fact, I have used the certainty of my path as a substitute self. A great deal of badly needed external approval was generated by knowing what I was going to be, and mine was one of the "big three" success professions approved for the academically gifted. Growing up, I clung to the supposed superiority of having a certain destiny as a way to assuage my perceived lack of intrinsic worth, both spiritual and social.

It all leads inexorably to the terrifying question: If not for this, would I be Good Enough? And it follows logically that "until I am satisfied with just being me, I will never be satisfied with any path I take, because at that heart of it all, I am my path."

Speaking of restlessness, I am lately consumed with the notion of a little black lace dress over a pale cream silk slip. Crochet cotton? Fingering weight cotton with nylon for elasticity? Cotton with elastic? Handpainted silk? Wool/silk laceweight? Scribble lace a la Debbie New? Do I have time to finish it before the event? Until it gels, I can see this will involve a fair bit of staring blankly into space at random moments throughout the day.